• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

A full cupboard/refrigerator as the blizzard of the century rages outside.

• What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Cruelty, followed by willful ignorance and obliviousness.

• What is your greatest fear?

That the milk has gone sour.

• What is your greatest extravagance?

Moustache wax.

• What is your current state of mind?

Bemusement.

• What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Fiery passion.

• On what occasion do you lie?

When presented with the opportunity to amuse those within earshot.

• What do you most dislike about your appearance?

No issues, except for those (now extremely rare) occasions when I under-slather the SPF 70 and sustain a mild burn.

• Which living person do you most despise?

Same one as you do. And same one as almost every person I know.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

Kindness, and the ability to laugh at oneself.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Ditto.

• Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Probably a tie between:

“Keep that under your hat.”

and

“Locally-sourced, small-batch, artisanal data.”

• When and where were you happiest?

30 June 2012. New Paltz, NY.

• Which talent would you most like to have?

Invisibility.

• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would like to require less sleep than I do.

• What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Esquire declaring me one of the five “Best Dressed Real Men” of 2007.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

The Aurora Borealis.

• Where would you most like to live?

London, Rome, or Stockholm. Preferably with the option of yachting between the three cities, every couple of months.

• What is your most treasured possession?

My metabolism.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Most MTA subway platforms, these days.

• What is your favorite occupation?

Getting lost in Green-Wood Cemetery.

• What is your most marked characteristic?

High-end listening skills.

• What do you most value in your friends?

Their wicked senses of humor.

• Who are your favorite writers?

Salinger, Orwell, Wilde, O’Connor (Flannery).

• Who is your hero of fiction?

Zooey Glass.

• Which historical figure do you most identify with?

T.E. Lawrence (that’s right — “of Arabia”.)

• Who are your heroes in real life?

Banksy.

• What is it that you most dislike?

Saxophone solos.

• What is your greatest regret?

Agreeing to answer any of these questions.

• How would you like to die?

Buried alive in mashed potatoes or guacamole.

• What is your motto?

“A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.”

— General George S. Patton